Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
