genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
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