Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
