Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
