i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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