I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
