She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
