booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
