True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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