I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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