I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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