I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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