He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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