My hand turned me down
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
