just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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