Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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