Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
