one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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