So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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