i may or may not be watching the land before time
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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