I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
