They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
