anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
