Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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