She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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