my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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