I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
