she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
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Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
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I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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