apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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