I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
