Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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