i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
