Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
