if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
