This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
is that a dick in a sweater?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
