I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
