We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
