i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize