If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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