I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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