You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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