my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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