my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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