Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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