Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
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The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
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But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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