my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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