Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
What a dumb baby whore.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
