God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I think i got beer on your cat.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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