I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
