I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I faked an abortion last night.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
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