half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
