You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
