I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
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You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
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Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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