how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
