I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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