You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
